Well how 'bout that

I quit smoking nine months ago. Can you believe it? It's almost like that part of me never existed. Except that it did. The really unbelievable thing about this day is that being a non-smoker is totally irrelevant.

Today I found out I have skin cancer. Isn't that funny? Not funny "ha ha." But certainly funny in the well-of-course-why-not kind of way.

Just so I'm clear, I do not have melanoma. It's basal cell carcinoma. "It's the most common form of skin cancer," the nurse said to me over the phone. My innards aren't being rapidly chewed away my this thing. Just slowly decaying. My handy dandy pamphlet from my super duper dermotologist says that it rarely spreads to other areas of the body, but that it can damage surrounding tissue. It specifically mentioned eyes. As in, this stuff growing in the general vacinity of my face could lead to loss of an eye. Why do they put stuff like that in a take-home information packet?

So, it's kind of thrown me off. And trying to form a coherent reason as to why I'm so bothered has proven difficult. It seems pretty silly to get all worked up over a cancer that's not really a cancer in the way we typically think about cancer. I should be extraordinarily thankful that this isn't melanoma. I should be happy. And I am. Kind of.

I also feel like I've gotten away with something. Or, like the worst is yet to come. I smoked. A lot. For a long time. I'm trully ashamed at the reckless way I went about life. As if my life would always be mine to do with as I pleased and that being a mother was for other people and I'd never have to answer for any of my actions.

As it turns out, being a mother wasn't just for other people. Maybe I just became one of the "other," grown-up, people. Whatever the case, my life isn't only mine. It also belongs to my children. What if, one day, I have to look my children in the eyes and tell them I have lung cancer? Ugh. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I feel guilty for something that may never happen.

CLEARLY, I need to work on forgiving myself.

I've been writing this post for 23 days. It's been a month since posting anything. This stupid little spot on the side of my neck has taken up enough of my time. It's cancer. I'm not dying. They'll cut it out after the new year. I can't beat myself up over the past. I quit smoking and that is awesome. Amazing. So, I'm done obsessing over this. I will hit the post button, and move on.